Girl of a different Era

It is a chilly Sunday morning. I sit at my kitchen table sipping citrus tea and eating slices of fruit. It’s calm, it’s peaceful and the soft music that plays through my old Victrola only adds to the ambience. There’s that certain feeling that only a Sunday morning can hold. With the calm comes time to think. Something that during the past two weeks I did not always welcome. In the silence of my little apartment all the memories, hopes, and dreams can fill my mind until I feel overcome with the sheer weight of them all. But today I’m welcoming their presence. I do not shut them out with an audio drama or loud music. I let them come and stay awhile. And so, my dear readers, I shall share some of these thoughts and conclusions of this past year with you. Something I have dearly missed doing in the busyness of recent life!

2024 starts a very exciting season of my life, full of change and some uncertainty. 2023 has ended a brilliant year full of deep lessons learned and many wonderful experiences and memories to recall! I had no notion how full my 20th year would be! During these past months, I was privileged to attend many historical events with my teacher Sara and I’ve continued to learn many new skills through my apprenticeship with Ensembles of the Past. 

I was even asked out a few times! To the last fellow who asked me I accepted and we dated for 4 months! It was an exciting time and in many ways, I never thought it would come to this end. He was a wonderful guy (still is actually) but, I truly realized we were not the right people for each other. Our life goals differed, in some ways we had different life paths, but mostly, it was just the fact that there was something very important missing. Although I may be a novice to love, I know deeply that it is much too important of a thing to pretend. This experience alone has forced me to learn and discover many things about myself. Being confronted with both my strengths and many weaknesses. It has been at  times like fileting away the distractions and coming to the meat of the emotions that so overwhelmingly swarmed my mind. As I process the difficult feelings; some anger, sadness, and discouragement I try to give myself time to heal and try not to force the process. I’m letting it take the time it needs, permitting myself to not always be perfectly ‘okay’. 

From as far back as I could remember I always idolized the idea of romance and love! The dream of falling hopelessly in love. The dream of being swept off one’s feet by a Prince Charming. The dream of strong armored knights risking their lives just for their ladies’ protection! I wanted to be married by the time I was twenty and have a family! That was the dream I envisioned for years. Now for the first time in 7 years, I realize that this is neither what I want nor need at this season of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up the hope of someday meeting the right person and getting married. But I know that for right now, that’s not my focus. I can honestly say I don’t want a serious relationship, for a little while, at least lol. There are so many ways I’m not emotionally mature enough or even prepared for that level of commitment. Marriage is a lifelong promise and I will never take that fact lightly. 

In this season of new perspective I am gratefully overwhelmed by the  love and support of  my amazing friends and family! I have been blessed with so many kind and awesome friends that I know even if I never wear lace and walk down a church aisle I won’t have to do life all by myself. The fear of living alone has no place in a life overflowing with the kindest, truest, family and friends. 

If I ever do marry it will be to a man who has become a best friend. I really used to think it was a bit cheesy and cliché when people would say at their wedding that they ‘were marrying their best friend’ I felt that this somehow lacked romance. After all, didn’t people want to fall madly and uncontrollably in love? Perhaps some do and to them I shall always smile but, that moody frenzy poet I used to want to marry is no more a wish. After all, I myself am that moody artist. Why do I want to marry a male version of myself? 

If you like, my dear readers, you may have your Romeos, Aragorn’s, Percy Blakeney’s, or your choice of the Darcy’s and Wentworth’s of this world. Just send me Gilbert Blythe, or the hobbit Sam Wise, or the chimney sweep Burt, simply send me one of the Bingleys or Knightley’s of this world! They need no poetry, no music, no soapy romantic words, let him bring a smile, a laugh, a trusting heart that shall always beat true. Not in the illusion of my persona, not in the condemnation of my faults but in the truest care for me (problems, talents, quirks, and all).  I no longer wish for the intense romance of a madly impassioned lover who views me as some unearthly goddess. 

The type of Mr. Right for me is someone to adventure with, someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, best friends who simply always want to be together. It sounds funny coming from a hopeless romantic but in these days of recent clarity it is all true. I’ll write the poetry, he can tell the jokes.

But for now, let that not be necessary, for the first time I am free from the prison of my own misunderstood ideal. I’m excited for the freedom and independence that this year welcomes! I have six exciting months left in my Midwest adventure before I’ll be graduating in July! I’ll be moving back to my beloved NY! I’ll be getting a job and pursuing opportunities with my degree! I’ll be figuring out the next life step! A step surrounded and supported by many friends, no matter our life chapters! Basking in the feeling of freedom I never knew singleness could possess! The feeling that anything could happen and life could turn anywhere! But also knowing I have a home to go back to. A safe space to rest, a family who has waited for my return. Not a return to childhood but, in a way, a return to a life that waits to be lived! Of course it is freaky, the uncertainty of only being able to see a few months into the future. The sadness of leaving my little life in Missouri and the beloved friends who have become so dear. But also the freedom of placing that future in God’s hand and letting him take it where it should go! I may not be preparing for the future I thought I would have a few months ago but, that’s okay, in fact, it’s better than okay!  The Lord has led me through the darkness and the light and I know through the difficulties may mount, though lies be whispered, I will never have to face this wild world alone. I have a Savior who walks beside me and a whole army of friends to surround me! And that, my patient reader, is something to truly fall in love with! 

  -Mindy Moyer